Now We Are No Longer What We Were
by nsane1
Summary: She tapes the letter to her locker so she cannot forget.


_**Now We Are No Longer What We Were**_

Rating: K+  
Spoilers: Miniseries, Act of Contrition  
Summary: She tapes the letter to her locker so she cannot forget.  
Disclaimer: They're not mine, but Ron Moore says I can do what I want with them. This story and the ideas contained within are mine.

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_Dear Kara,_

_I should have written this letter two years ago, but every time I tried, nothing came out._

She finds the yellow sheet on her pillow, neatly folded, her name written neatly on the top. She runs down the list of people who could be sending her a letter-she doesn't think it's any of the pilots or an ECO; if they had something to say to her, they'd say it to her face. She and Helo used to write each other letters, back when they got too busy to go out to bars or play Pyramid, but Helo's gone. Gone. It's too neat to be William Adama's handwriting, and that leaves just one person.

_You deserve to know these things, and I can't tell you them in person. I was never good at confrontations, especially when it was a confrontation with you. I always had to wonder if you were going to hit me if I said the wrong thing. Sometimes, you did._

Lee Adama. She smiles as she starts to read, remembering all those arguments with him. What seems inane now was a big deal back then-why did you distract me during class, could he get out of the frakking flight sim so she could practice, do you have to show off while you're flying, why the frak did you report me, how could you get yourself thrown in hack again, don't lecture me I'm not in the mood, aren't you going to study, do you always have to be so perfect, do you know what it's like having to live in the shadow of your father, do you know what it's like not to have one, it's possible to spend a night without going to a bar, would you stop being such a goody-two-shoes, would you stop antagonizing everyone you meet, why can't you just let go and have fun every once in awhile, it's possible to go out and have fun without getting drunk off your ass or starting a bar fight or frakking the first person who'll take you home. She'd punched him for that one. She'd punched him during a lot of their arguments; he was right to wonder.

_If you're going to come find me and punch me after you get this letter, at least give me a little bit of warning so I can find a out of the way place where no one will see you striking a superior officer. I don't need my best pilot in hack._

"Superior asshole," she murmurs, even though she doesn't mean it. She's been under CAGS that were a lot worse than Lee, and he hadn't even signed up for the job. Lee's major fault is that he's too nice, but he's been relatively easy to train.

_Anyway, onto the real subject of my note. I just wanted to let you know why I blamed my dad, and why I didn't blame you, even after you told me. I knew you were in a relationship with my brother, and I said nothing when you were the one to test him. I'm still not sure why. At the time, I tried to tell myself you'd be impartial, even though I don't think I believed it. You were so in love with Zak; I should've known you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. Maybe I was jealous. We stopped hanging out together once you started dating Zak._

She really had stopped hanging out with Lee. Zak was so different-when Kara wanted to go to a bar, he said yes immediately. He didn't care about homework, he didn't care about studying, he liked bar fights almost as much as she did, he could match her shot for shot-quite a feat, and one she'd never mentioned to William Adama-he was a decent Pyramid player, and he didn't try to hold her back the way Lee did. She tried to tone herself down so she didn't get Zak in trouble, but she always knew that if she ended up in hack, he'd end up right there with her. She couldn't count the number of times they'd left Lee studying at his desk, and she didn't know when it had stopped being "Lee, do you want to come out with us?" and became "Lee, we're going out."

_Maybe I thought that you'd flunk Zak, because he really couldn't fly that well, and I'd get you back. I think I ended up blaming my dad for losing you, Kara. If he hadn't pushed so hard to get Zak into flight school, you never would have met him and we would have stayed what we were-best friends. But in the end, I know it's my fault. I got jealous and I let that get in the way of our friendship, and I lost you. And when I lost Zak, when we all lost Zak, I couldn't blame you. If I hadn't been so jealous, they would have given him another tester who would have flunked Zak, but the two of you would have still been together. You wouldn't have been the one to hurt him. That's why I couldn't blame you. I ended up blaming my dad, because it was convenient and I could make it make sense in my head. In the end, the only one I had to blame was myself._

She tried to stop the tears from forming, but all she managed was to prevent them from falling down her face by furiously rubbing at her eyes. It was Lee. In every word, she saw the Lee whom she'd known in flight school, the Lee she'd forgotten when she met Zak. The Lee who'd been her best friend and whom she'd tossed aside. She'd hid his part of the picture from herself to try and forget that it was her fault they were no longer friends, to forget why they'd barely spoken at Zak's funeral, to forget what they'd once had, but she'd straightened out the picture and made herself see, and Lee's letter did the same thing. Lee standing apart. Lee standing apart from Kara and Zak. Lee standing outside their relationship because she'd been too blind and stupid and too much herself to let him inside. She'd screwed up, and she'd nearly lost her once closest friend.

_In a way, I guess it was a blessing that things happened the way they did. If you hadn't met Zak and Zak hadn't died, you'd probably have been teaching in flight school right up until the day the Cylons destroyed it. I thought I'd lost you, but it took the destruction of the human race for me to realize that you're still right here. I know we can't go back to the friendship we once had, but maybe we could start a new one? I know I can't lose you if I never get you back, but I'm willing to take that risk, no matter who or what comes between us. I made an ass of myself back then and I'll probably do so in the future-but I need you point that out. Because I know you will. I've missed you, Kara._

_Sincerely,  
__Lee_

In handwriting that's barely legible, she scrawls her answer.

_Dear Lee,_

_My life is built on second chances. I'm willing to give us one._

_Sincerely,  
__Kara_

And she tapes the letter to her locker so she cannot forget.

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for those of you who are reading "Blessings to Learn From," I have the next part written...but it's being finicky. But in the meantime, why don't you read and review this fic? ;) 


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